Dear Real-Life Ginny,
I am writing you today to inform you of a dream from which I literally just awoke. It featured your dream counterpart, and the details were such that when I awakened I couldn’t get it out of my head. I found that I needed to discuss this further with her, but as I was now awake, I had no way of passing this information on. I don’t see dream you often, but I figure you keep in touch. So please, the next time you see her, show her this, and please let her know that the following is said with the best of intentions.
Do they call bacon “American bacon” in Canada?
Keep in mind…I said I learned this stuff. I didn’t say it was all true. Though some of it undoubtedly is.
- Health insurance is of vital importance. Although I’d hate to have to pay Wile E.’s premiums.
- Coyotes spook easily.
- Both roadrunners and coyotes have several different scientific names. Coyotes usually have names dealing with eating; roadrunners with speed.
- One can communicate with one’s peers solely through signs and sticking one’s tongue out at them.
- If you are unaware that you are not standing on solid ground, you will not begin to fall until you realize this fact, usually after having tested for ground by reaching with your hand.
- Wile E. Coyote either was filthy rich, or had a great credit limit. (Either way, why didn’t he just mail order some food from Acme? They’ve got everything else known to man. I’m sure that they could have even gotten roadrunner for him.)
- Corollary to the above: Wile E. personally kept Acme in business for several years.
- Roadrunners will almost always eat any seed they find, even if it’s right there on the road, mixed with buckshot.
- My favorite coyote falling sequence is the “screamer bottle rocket” followed by the “KA-BU-YAH” gunshot sound on impact. Of course, the puff of smoke/sand is required to complete the scene.
- Coyotes are hesitant to use the same type of plan more than once. If they do, the end results are never the same, excepting for the facts that 1) they don’t catch the roadrunner, and 2) the coyote gets hurt pretty badly.
- Either Wile E. isn’t a super genius in physics, or several of its laws don’t apply in the contraptions he builds.
- Roadrunners have 19 different flavors.
- You can never have too much dynamite or too many matches.
- A formerly brown coyote that’s just had his fur blown off and is now a charred gray is really funny.
- Roadrunners can set fire to the surface they run on, if they go fast enough.
- Roadrunners can interact with fake scenery painted on canvases. Coyotes cannot, except when doing so results in serious bodily harm.
- The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. The best-laid plans of coyotes often end in explosions.
As a challenge for me, and entertainment (cough) for you, I’m trying to write a batch of random thoughts during my office hour period (now). No one comes, so I doubt that I’ll be interrupted. When I come up with a new thought, I’ll refresh the site to show the update. The game ends at 3:15 p.m. Let’s see what transpires:
- Life’s Burning Questions #305: Concerning those “Do not remove under penalty of law” tags found on pillows: if you remove one, does store security stop you at the door, or do they rush and dogpile you immediately? These are the things I need to know.
- A sad defining characteristic of the average male my age today: ask one to recite the “Konami code” and they’ll fire off “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start”; ask them their the date of their anniversary with their girlfriend, and they’ll draw a blank, if only for a couple of seconds.
- By the way: January 8th.
- One of the more satisfying things about being a teacher of high-schoolers at youth group: a couple of them, when told that the entire youth group was just “hanging out” rather than having specific groups that night, asked the youth minister if we could meet anyway. That’s pretty special.
- Free Fashion Advice: If you bring home an outfit that makes a color-blind person wince, you might want to rethink wearing it out in public.
- The “grace period” is about over: I haven’t received my computer mail-in rebate yet, even though it’s been past the eight week waiting period. Is it wrong to get antsy about this? This is $100 I could use.
- I am the Master: I recently had a 7-wood made for me. It has a new Synchron head, a slightly used Adams shaft, and a Grip One grip. I’m thinking of calling it Frankenclub.
- Bargain of the Year: roommate got a PS2 for free at a garage sale because it didn’t work anymore. He opened it up and cleaned the laser lens off with a tissue. He has a working PS2 now.
- Which means: in the past six months, the quality of game systems in our apartment has gone up from a Nintendo and a Sega Genesis to a Gamecube and a PS2. This is a little like being handed the keys to a Porsche after driving a Pinto for years.
- And Cokes were $1: it pains me to realize that I will be able to tell my teenage children that I knew what it was like when gas was under $2 a gallon.
- You only get the creme de la creme: I’ve already erased four or five thoughts that I didn’t think lived up to the high standards we have here at pressing on…
- To which some immediately reply: What high standards?
- You don’t have to like it to feel it: overtime of a game 7 NHL playoff series is just about as exciting as sports can get.
- I’m sure this would work: A TV show with four guys who talk about current events or sports. The catch: the conversation has to consist entirely of movie quotes, Simpsons quotes, song lyrics, Sportscenter catchphrases, and MST3K riffs. The winner is the one who works in the most.
- Come to think of it: that would work mighty well as a website, too…hmm…
- I have to wonder as I type all of these out: is anyone actually constantly refreshing my home page right now, or is it just me?
- Congratulations, you’ve found a way to be more annoying than spam: I’ve recently been getting incomplete e-mails that cause my connection to get interrupted. I have to go manually delete them from my webmail account before I can get all my normal spam (and maybe a good message or two) downloaded.
- And finally, as the office hours end: five hours until I see you, sweetie! I can’t wait.
Memo to self: if I want to develop chronic arthritis in my hands before the age of 27, the best way that I can come up with to do it is to play Crazy Taxi at least 10 minutes a day.
I’m currently in the Alachua Library, taking a study break, and I thought that I’d pose this question to my adoring fans (the three of you know who you are).
So I was eating lunch/dinner at Subway in Alachua this afternoon, and I made a peculiar discovery. I got a straw to go with the drink that I purchased, and as I opened it I noticed that one of the ends of the straw was sealed closed. Now, I’m not sure if this has happened to anyone else before, but it was a first-time experience for me. I started laughing at the thought of putting the sealed end in my drink, then inhaling until my face turned red, without any liquid refreshment for all my efforts.
Then, my mind really took a left turn. What if, I wondered (I always wonder in italics), someone got one of these straws and couldn’t drink their drink, and in sheer anger, sued Subway? They could claim undue shame and embarrassment over not being able to use a straw (maybe the employees laughed at them or something), though it was obviously the company’s fault for not checking their product to ensure that it met with proper drinking-straw standards. Who knows? In this lawsuit-crazy country, someone might try it.
Okay, so it was really a random thought. But I’m famous for random thoughts! Anyway, it brought to mind an idea for a little contest for all of you loyal pressing on… fans out there. What’s the craziest idea that you can come up with for a lawsuit that just might have a chance in court? Something that’s even worse than Ms. I-Don’t-Know-That-McDonald’s-Coffee-Is-Served-Hot, or my Subway example, etc. I know there’s some twisted minds out there in cyberspace who are reading this. Comment away!
I got one of the new $20 bills tonight when I went to the grocery store and asked for cash back. I tried to twirl and spin the bill around like that guy does in the commercial, but it wouldn’t do anything except fall to the ground.
I thought about suing the U.S. Mint, but they’d probably just recompense me with more faulty $20 bills.
I don’t know why this is, but people here on the bus would rather stand up than take a seat next to someone. I’ve seen plenty of times where spots were wide open and the people standing looked right at them, but made no move toward them.
I just thought you might like to know.
Oh, yeah, and I still haven’t gotten my paycheck in yet…and if I don’t have it in my account by tomorrow morning, someone’s head will roll. *Makes intimidating face*
Some random thoughts, in no particular order:
- I feel reasonably sure in making this statement: the X Games never stop running. Why else would advertising for it never get off of my television set?
- I need to find that countdown page I made for Kelly’s return from Turkey and reset it to a couple of weeks from this past Friday…
- My favorite movie that I don’t own right now…probably The Truman Show, although Finding Nemo is breathing down its neck. Here’s my Amazon Wish List. You can make a difference.
- Every time I think about playing golf, the floodgates open. I wonder if someone’s trying to tell me I’m wasting my time.
- Living in an apartment with three guys who’ve all proposed to their girlfriends within the past year tends to make one feel on the clock, in a way.
- I’ve made a discovery over the past couple of months: given the option to fix somethng for dinner or eat cereal, I’ll pick the cereal at least 8 times out of 10.
- I bet those who’ve done the Atkins diet probably shuddered inside when they read that last one.
- Okay, so I told a little fib up front: those last two are in a particular order, because it wouldn’t make too much sense otherwise. I figured that it needed to be said, because I wouldn’t want you, the loyal pressing on… reader, to be disapppointed in me. Or, for that matter, give you easy cannon fodder for comments.
- Of the many 1122 traditions that were started, one of the ones I miss most is the ol’ Nerf dart at the TV when a stupid commercial aired. Come to think of it, I’ve still got those Nerf guns, and TV commercials are still pretty dumb…
- One thing I’ve got to like about getting older: growing an acceptable goatee is a much quicker (and less itchy) process.