Category Archives: humor

Dear Real-Life Ginny…

Dear Real-Life Ginny,

I am writing you today to inform you of a dream from which I literally just awoke. It featured your dream counterpart, and the details were such that when I awakened I couldn’t get it out of my head. I found that I needed to discuss this further with her, but as I was now awake, I had no way of passing this information on. I don’t see dream you often, but I figure you keep in touch. So please, the next time you see her, show her this, and please let her know that the following is said with the best of intentions.

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if Gollum sang “Call Me Maybe”

We dropped precious in our home
Hobbit came in all alone
We thought we’d gnaw on his bones
But now it’s in our way

We trades our soul for a ring
All of our life for this thing
Better than if we were king
And now it’s in our way

It’s riddle was told and
Answer was unknown and
Bright light, Sting was glowin’
Where’s it think it’s going, hobbit?

Hey, we just met you
And this is crazy
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

It’s hard to leave here
Wants to stay free
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

Hey, we just met you
And this is crazy
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

All of the hobbitses —
Fat little theives!
But it took precious!
We kills it maybe

It took no time to get out
We took our time with our doubt
But then we figured it out
And now it’s in our way

Precious was there in his hand
That power his to command
We takes it back, understand?
Now it’s in our way!

It’s riddle was told and
Answer was unknown and
Bright light, Sting was glowin’
Where’s it think it’s going, hobbit?


If Gollum sang Christmas songs

To the Tune of “Last Christmas”

Last Christmas, we gave it our heart
But the very next day, it gives it away (it gives it away)
This year, to save us from tears
We’ll give it to something Precious (Precious)

To the Tune of “All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”

All we wants for Christmas is our Precious back
Our Precious back…our Precious back
All we wants for Christmas is our Precious back
So we can kill nasty hobbitses!

To the Tune of “O Little Town of Bethlehem”

O Little Town of Hobbiton
How much we hates them all
The hobbits fat took Precious back
We’ll gets it again (goll)

To the Tune of “Happy Christmas (War is Over)”

So this is Christmas,
And what has it done?
You’ve taken my Precious
Stupid Hobbits think they’ve won.

And so happy Christmas,
We hates you (gollum)
The fat and the stupid ones
The old and the young.

And, of course…

To the Tune of “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town”

It better not shout,
It better not cry,
It better not pout,
We’s telling it why
Santa (gollum)’s comin’…to town.

We’s making a list,
It’s got just one thing,
Not for you but for us,
It’s our Precious ring
Santa (gollum)’s comin’…to town.

We sees you when you’re sleeping,
We knows when you’re awake.
We don’t care if you’re bad or good
We takes it back for Precious’ sake!

Oh, it better not shout,
It better not cry,
It better not pout,
We’s telling it why
Santa (gollum)’s comin’…to town.

Also see Gollum’s take on love songs.

self-aggrandization defined

I like the Super Bowl as much as anyone, but isn’t it funny that it’s like the only event that uses Roman numerals to state which in the series it is? How would this work in other areas of life?

“My wife turns XXVI this year.”
“Happy III’d anniversary, honey!”
“Wow, is it really the LXXI’th National Peanut Festival this year?”

Actually, it does provide a little fun watching people who normally have nothing to do with Roman numerals do mental gyrations to figure out exactly which number it is this year.

a normal day for me, if my life were an RPG

6:45 am: Wake up. My life points (LP) and code points (CP) are full.

6:50 am: Boss battle! Taking out the trash. Timed battle. I have to get the trash out before the trash truck comes. Succeed with time to spare.

7:30 am: Level up character (breakfast, shower, shave).

7:55 am: Board my trusty steed (my Honda). Travel to next destination: work.

8:05 am: Random battle: code error found last night. Start diagnosis of problem quickly. Enemy is a “logic bomb”. Use special move “Defusion” to win battle.

8:30 am: Code points are low as a result of last battle. Use a Cherry Coke Zero from item bag. Code points replenish.

9:15 am: Random battle: two enemies – “Deployment” and “Windows Decompression”. Enemies have technique “multi-step process” that casts “Slow”. Employ moves “batch file” and “RAR command line” to dispatch the foes. Level up – I learn new batch processing techniques.

10:55 am: Boss battle! Release deployment. Timed battle. Boss can spawn extra code error enemies, and does so in great numbers. Halfway through the battle, see that life and code points are drastically low. Eat salad and drink a Diet Dr Pepper to restore points. Win battle just before time runs out.

1:30 pm: boss battle won, but in a FMV, I and the other member of my party (my boss) are ambushed by a Feature Creep. Finished demo is obliterated, with nothing the party can do about it.

2:10 pm: recuperating with party members, figuring out a way to handle Feature Creep. But just after we get our plan together, it’s time for another…

2:45 pm: Boss Battle! “Client Demo”. I lose one party member, but pick up two different ones, a fellow coder and a tester. Boss spawns code errors and mini-feature creeps. Battle drags out longer than I would have expected.

6:00 pm: Think I’ve defeated enemy, only to realize that this is one of those battles where the boss doesn’t die. He just goes away for a little while, only to come back in a stronger form later. But for now, he’s gone, and the party strikes a victory pose.

6:05 pm: Mount steed to go home. Life points will be replenished with chicken and vegetables. Hot female mage waiting at home. Feature Creep and Client Demo are still out there, but for now, life is good.

Manah “Nah, Nah”

So I tried Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr Pepper tonight. And all I can think is, “There are 11 more in there that I have to drink.”

Seriously, next time I think about trying some weird flavor combination of a soft drink, pop me in the head.

But it’s still better than the cherry vanilla version.

Bonus points for anyone who gets where I was going with the entry title.

learning about new cars – the hard way

When we bought our car, it came with two keys. One was a key with a keyless entry system. The other was just a valet key. Being that Kelly will be driving the vehicle on an everyday basis, she got the former. After driving it home last, night, she decided to lock the door with the keyless entry system.

Today I was supposed to take the new car to get its license and registration taken care of (and also to show it to my co-workers, since they’ll most likely never get a chance otherwise to see it). So using my valet key, I unlocked the driver-side door…and was treated to an ear-piercing wail of an alarm.

I’m becoming a bit of an alarm connoisseur. I have had our alarm in the house go off a couple of times (some even intentionally, during testing), I’ve had fire alarms go off in the apartment while we were trying to cook…I’ve gotten used to having my eardrums rattled. This one was a bit of a change of pace alarm – fairly loud, but pulsating for just that extra touch of annoyance.

Naturally, I did not expect this to have happened. So I backed away from the car, and sure enough after about 20 seconds or so it died down. Now, my key had actually unlocked the car door; I knew that much. But could I drive it now? I placed my hand on the door to open it…

The ringing of the alarm told me, no, I guess not.

Well, I got the license taken care of anyway, so now it’s out of my hands. It’s officially Kelly’s car now, which makes my ears happy.

If Gollum sang love songs…

I believe that it would go a little something…like this.

We’s all outs of love…
We’s so lost withouts it…
We knows it was right, believing for so long…

Reaching out to touch it…
We can feel so fine…
Since we…founds…it…
Looking through the eyes of love, we does.

Tomorrow morning, if it wakes up,
And the sun does not appear…
Weeeeeeee…precious, we will be here.

Precious…gots us on our knees…
Precious…we’s begging, precious, please…
Precious…(gollum) won’ts it ease our worried mind…

We just called…to say…we loves it…
We just called…to say…how much we cares…(yes, precious, we does…)
We just called…to say…we loves it…
And we means it from the bottom of our heart.

And of course…

At first we was afraid…we was petrified,
Kept thinking we could never live without precious by our side,
But then we spent so many nights thinking how filthy hobbitses did us wrong,
And we grew strong,
“We’ll take precious back for our own!”

And so it’s back…on Baggins’ hand…
We just walked by and saw him with our precious golden band.
We should have killed him then and there,
Him and the fat hobbit too.
Then we would have the precious,
And nasty hobbitses would be through!

Oh, now, we…we will survive…
Oh, as long as we knows where it is,
We knows we’ll stay alive!