Driving to my hometown this past Friday, I decided that I would try something different and take the Alabama River Parkway. This proved to be a terrible mistake.

A little background might be necessary, so here goes. Montgomery, Alabama is a nice enough town. However, it has had road construction around the I-65/I-85 junction area for the last seven years. The construction is slated to end in approximately spring, 2017. Well, it seems that way, anyway.

At any rate, making it through Montgomery to Highway 231 and the homestretch of my journey takes roughly 30 minutes. Which isn’t horrible, but it could probably be better.

Enter the Alabama River Parkway. This toll road, off of the same exit 179 of “Interstate or 82” fame, claims to allow its travellers to bypass all that nasty construction and reach the desired goal of Highway 231 more quickly.

Coming toward Montgomery from Birmingham, a few miles before the exit, is a billboard proclaiming the joy that is this turnpike. On the billboard is a lady waving a construction flag, beckoning you to turn off of the interstate and head toward the parkway instead.

Oh, sure, she looks friendly, smiling at you and all. But she knows that it’s all a Siren song designed to trap unsuspecting drivers. I haven’t driven by that sign at night, so I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure that her eyes start glowing red when no one’s looking.

Anyway, back to the idea that I had to take the parkway. I turned off of the exit and proceeded toward the parkway. I get to the toll booth and pay my 75 cents, and begin my journey on the Little Parkway of Horrors.

Now, let’s decide on what makes a good toll road. Surely we could discuss this topic for days on end, but to be succinct, let’s restrict our line of thinking to this cardinal rule of a good parkway that I’m sure can be universally agreed upon: it should be designed to let us go at least as fast as the interstate would let us.

Given that one rule:

• There should not be a speed limit of 35 on a parkway.
• There should not be a red light on a parkway.
• A toll road should not go through a residential area of a town.
• A parkway should be designed to take you around congested traffic areas.
  • Corollary: it should not dump you directly into the middle of one.

Is this too much to ask? I don’t really think so, but ALDOT thinks differently. And as a result, my normal 30 minute trip through Montgomery was extended to 50 minutes. I bet that flag-waving girl on the billboard had a good chuckle at my expense.

So I may soon be mailing the good folks at ALDOT a self-addressed, stamped envelope with a handwritten note asking for an apology in triplicate and my 75 cents back.